More symptoms of the galloping infantilism endemic in the UK this week, wth the news that skiers favour a system of speed checks, fines, breath tests and on-piste penalty points in a bid to clamp down on people hooning round the slopes while pissed as a fart on lunchtime vin chaud.
Nearly half of British skiers believe helmets should be made compulsory, it appears, though they don’t seem to have been asked how on earth they imagine this is going to make people go slower or drink less vin chaud. A third of them think speed limit signs would be a good idea, which raises interesting questions. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I personally am not actually fitted with a speedometer, what with my being a yuman bean and everything. Does this indicate that a third of skiers are actually cyborgs? I think we should be told.
Initially I was inclined to write the whole thing off as a load of old rubbish and a publicity stunt on the part of the insurance company which did the survey in a bid to terrify everyone into buying their overpriced travel insurance. But on reflection I have come to believe that it may actually be a stonking brainwave of an idea. Not that speeding or vin chaud feature prominently in my list of offences, mind, but they’ve opened Pandora’s box now, and you can’t get those bat-looking critters back in there however hard you try. Here are a few examples of what you can expect when I’m in charge of the newly minted piste patrol.
Hooning down the fall line while sitting on the tails of your skis: two points plus a hefty kick up the arse. It’s not clever, and it means you have even less control over your speed and direction than usual, if that’s actually possible. Stop it
- Clustering round a piste map right at the exit to the chairlift: three points. And you have to remain there while three boarders getting off the next chair use you all as skittles. Did you think all those people behind you in the queue fell off the chairs half way up or what?
- Wearing a romper suit with a fur hood: two points, and you will be required to walk about wearing a nappy for a day. Under no other circumstances would any self-respecting woman dream of wearing a garment specifically designed to make her bum look like Oprah on a fat day. No, it’s not cute. It makes you look as though you have a fat arse. Sorry.
- Wearing fancy dress: two points. Gosh, a banana! How hilarious. Though you can get rid of those points if you go to the ticket office and try to make a serious complaint while still dressed as a banana. We like a bit of comedy value.
- Sticking your bum in the air and your sticks under your armpits then straightlining it down the fall line: six points and a week in ESF cours collectif. You really don’t look anything like Didier Cuche, particularly in that romper suit.
Snowblading: lifetime ban, no right of appeal. Ban extends into your next life if you were wearing jeans and a silly hat.
- Boasting about how your children ‘can get down anything’: four points. Children will generally follow a downward trajectory if you take them to the top of a slippery slope and let go. It’s not remarkable.
- Wearing a camera stuck to your head: six points. You look like a teletubby. I’m just waiting for the chairlift safety bar to come down on someone’s head and send £500 worth of GoPro for a burton.
- Posting headcam videos on YouTube: six points. Why on earth would anyone want to see three minutes of your ski tips, the trees, that bloke you narrowly missed, your ski tips again ……. etc. Koyaanisquatsi was more riveting, not to mention better shot.
- Using two-way radios: four points. I know mobile roaming charges are extortionate and it’s nice to know where your sister-in-law has got to with your kids, but is it worth looking like one of those survivalist gun nuts you find hidden away in corners of Kentucky, plotting to assassinate the pope?
There you go, that’s 10 fairly serious offences for a start, and we haven’t come close to skiing while off your tits on coke or knocking people for six and then speeding off laughing. Feel free to post your own contributions. Alternatively, consider whether we really want to end up subject to the sort of bossy little-Hitler type which inevitably applies for minor positions of power like ski patrol.
You like to be told to “shut the fuck up” by resort employees (or anyone else for that matter)? No, nor me. But that’s where you end up when you hand over all responsibility for your own actions to ‘the authorities’. It’s compulsory helmets this week, but next week it’ll be ski licences and GPS tagging, with the jackboots arriving on your doorstep the week after your holiday and carting you off in a straitjacket because you did 32 in a 30 zone. Be careful what you wish for.