Thank you for buying Acme Comedyvalue EasyFit™ (Not) snowchains. Please read the following safety and fitting instructions carefully before throwing them to the ground and jumping up and down on them in a rage. Note that all instructions are written on flimsy pieces of paper which will disintegrate on exposure to minimal atmospheric moisture, rather than printed on something sensible like a waterproof label stuck to the box. Thick gloves, waterproof trousers, torch, Elastoplast and frostbite treatment are not included with this item. These accessories may be purchased from our online shop at http://www.wilecoyote-sales.com.
With Acme’s exclusive EasyFit™ system, your chains will slip straight onto the wheels without fuss. No need to waste time practising in advance – with EasyFit™ you’ll be on your way while everyone else is still grovelling in the slush, removing chunks of frozen flesh from their fingers, cursing the smug tosser who told them self-drive was a better deal than tour op trips and calling divorce lawyers. No we’re not taking the piss, honestly.
1. On arrival at the bottom of the resort access road, drive straight past the blue sign with the picture of a snowchain on it and the handy adjacent car park. Carry straight on until your wheels begin to spin and you slide sideways before slithering to a halt in the middle of the road. (This should happen about two bends up.)
2. Make no attempt to remove your car from the middle of the road, put out your warning triangle or wear your fluorescent vest. The headlights of oncoming vehicles will make it easier to read the instructions provided.
3. Remove the chains from the box and drop them in the snow. Pick them up and remove mud/slush mixture from the cable connectors. Realise that your efforts are merely compacting the snow further into the connector.
4. Scrabble around behind the wheel arches in the dark. Get mud all over that white Bench ski jacket the chap in the shop told you was so cutting edge trendy this season. Fail to connect the cables because the clips are full of snow.
5. Attempt to pull the chains across the tyres. Accuse wife of buying the wrong size. Fail to stretch the rubber tensioning thing across the wheel, and remove skin from knuckles when it pings out of your wet frozen hands.
6. Realise that your car is rear wheel drive. Remove chains and start again on the back wheels.
7. Burst into tears and look pathetic (women only – men may have to resort to claiming that the wife bought the wrong chains). Drivers stuck behind your car will now come and push it to the side of the road.
8. Hitch lift to resort, probably in a ten-year-old Twingo with no snowchains. Wonder how this works.